Nothing Keeps Me Anywhere 19/12/2014

Had the night off last night, which helped me recharge.

I’m still being surprised because oftentimes what I think about doing ahead of the time isn’t what I end up doing when I write. Although it is a first draft, I’ve had the joy of getting surprised by what my intuition brings to life. So, here’s tonights excerpt. Again, it’s rough but it’s about getting the work done.

‘Would putting her out there on social media work?’ she said.

‘Well, that depends. Do you have fight videos?’ I said.

She nodded.

I told her that I would have to go back and deal with a few things. I said that she should find up any video that they have of her. To get it edited and online. She made notes on her phone and then smiled.

‘When do you leave?’ she said.

I looked at her.

‘I need to be back the start of next week.’

She gave a small smile as her eyes grew wide.

‘But you want to be here.’ she said.

I put my cup down and scratched my chin.

‘Something like that.’ I said.

I gave her my email address and we agreed that I would start putting together ideas towards a strategy. She got to her feet.

‘She inspires that in people. John, that sort of talent.’

I looked at her and something crossed her eyes that made her turn her head. She bit her lip but then she met my gaze again. She asked if I knew where Andrea and her father had met.

She said that I should ask her, then she got to her feet and leaned forward to shake my hand. She had strength in her hands, and her forearm had a ridge of muscle that flexed as our hands met.

When I looked up, she smiled politely and told me that she was looking forward to working with me.

As we went back to the ring, Andrea was glowing with a light sweat across her back and shoulders as Ronnie shouted out combinations.

They stopped and Ronnie raised his hand to me. Andrea turned around and swept her forearm across her face as I watched her shoulders rise with each breath. Then she lowered her arm and looked at me. Her eyes were peaceful as she smiled at me.

‘You ok?’ she said.

I grinned as she climbed out of the ring. I could smell the clean perspiration that she gave off and it made my heart thump a little harder as she came forward.

‘I am. What’s the plan now?’

‘We’ve got drills then I get lunch then a few hours of.’ she said.

She turned around as Ronnie climbed out of the ring.

I saw him wince but recover and I knew where Jesse had got it from. Andrea smiled at me.

‘General sadism of one kind or another.’ he said.

He growled his words as he reached for a bottle of water.

Ronnie looked at me and his eyes wandered to the bruise on my cheek.

‘What happened?’ he said.

Andrea lowered her head and sighed.

‘I tripped in the room.’ I said.

He gave a dry chuckle and shook his head.

‘I know a punch when I see it.’ he said.

‘Ronnie.’ Andrea said.

Jesse looked between us and she bit her lip. She looked at Andrea and I saw her go pale with concern.

‘It’s done now, Ronnie.’ I said.

I kept my voice even as I smiled. He looked at me and then gave a small wink. The exchange was there, in a crinkling at the corners of his eyes and the way that the smile looked pained. I knew that look, had seen it in variations over the years. In the mirror.


I sat and watched. There was more talking than training, but then they’d lock up and she’d go over the same moves, making small adjustments as Ronnie would correct her, sometimes slapping the mat before she’d drop into a different posture.

Jesse made calls and then came back through and sat next to me.

‘Can I ask you something?’ I said.

She nodded.

‘Why don’t you do more of that? You fought, and I’m guessing your dad didn’t.’

She shook her head and tapped her left hip.

‘Couldn’t get the surgeries I needed.’ she said.

I looked at the floor and felt a burst of embarrassment.

‘I’m sorry, Jesse.’ I said.

She kept her eyes on the ring and gave a small smile.

‘If you have to get motivation from anywhere but yourself, then you don’t want it.’ she said.

She said it with the dull precision of recall.


Speak, ask, now

Come in
Close the door
Leave behind the
Bring only what you wish to
Show me
Don’t be polite
Unless you want me to
Work against that reserve
Nothing that you bring
Can give me pause
No, I want your laughter
Your playful invention
That look, the divine loss
Of inhibition
Ask for what you want
Let me kiss the places
That you’ll recall later
With a flush and a smile
I can give you what you want
You just have to come in
Open your mouth

books, creative writing, writing

2014 Is Nearly Done.

Two books bullied through and sent to the agent.

Three short stories.

Notes towards three solid projects that don’t make my brain turn on it’s side and go ‘hnngghh’.

I’m still breathtakingly beautiful.

I’m still the best kept secret on the internet.

There’s over 450 people who presumably read what I post. Next year, i may expand onto other social media, so long as it doesn’t become the internet equivalent of a puppy mill for me.

There are books to be written and adventures to be had. Things had been awful at certain points, but there is a trick to it that, as 2014 lays there and you start wondering what’s in the will, that I will share with you:

Keep going.  Keep pushing for your joy.  See it in your own terms and hold to that.   Have people who will tell you the truth, from a place of love, and then feel free to ignore it if it doesn’t feel right.

Right now, the world feels like it’s collapsing. For some people, it has and they’re now looking at the ruins. It’s beautiful and horrible all at once, but remember that we are all in it together.  Love everyone and tell the truth as Ram Dass says.

There will always be bastards in the world. Small and large, but the important thing to remember is that they’re still people. There are more people who love you and accept you for who you are than you think. Most of all, love yourself enough so that you don’t need anyone but want them instead. Work on being wanted rather than needed.

creative writing, poetry, sexuality, women

The Test of You

The test of you,

Neither pass or fail,

No right or wrong answers

Nothing to memorise,

Other than to see you

Acknowledge who you were

Accept that you’ve your scars

As I have mine

There are no pedestals to

Put you upon

Only the rich, warm earth beneath us

A bed for us

As you pull my head

Between your soft thighs

Asking me to do things

That only came to you

Like the ghosts of whispers

That only grew brave enough

To speak in moments of utter abandon,

Let’s leave marks

On one another,

Inside and outside.

I want you to feel

So free that it feels

Like madness

That you would act in ways

To shame your mother

And to do so with a smile

Of savage joy

That never leaves you.




Nothing Keeps Me Anywhere 17/12/2014

There’s a point where you just shrug your shoulders, squint your eyes, aim and shoot.

I think that the best thing you can do is write what you want to write. As I keep writing, I keep thinking about new ideas, new phrases to put together but then that turns into essentially keeping to active voice. Regardless, there’s a joy in doing that, in just putting it out there.

Notions of genre are really walls we put up. I respond to a good story, then if it’s well written. I’ve forgiven clumsiness in the writing if the story moves fast enough to make me want to keep up. I’ve also stayed in moments where nothing much happens but it’s done so well that I don’t mind. There’s power in being still, I’m not sure I’ve got the hang of it too well, but I’ve done it before. Again, first draft and it’s more dialogue heavy than I’d like but it gets the work done. By this stage, you know what they look like.

Tonight, I started to raise the temperature on things.

‘Come on.’ he said. ‘The day calls.’

She skipped towards him. I turned to look at Jesse.

I watched the line of her jaw as she looked at them both. Something crossed her face, almost a spasm but she recovered quickly and acknowledged me with a nod.

‘They’ll spar for a bit. Did you want to come into the office, thought we could talk.’

I was taken aback but I wanted to appear gracious. I was curious.

I followed her and as I walked in, I caught the scent of fresh coffee as she went around and poured a cup.

‘I ordered some of this. My dad’s a fiend for coffee, but this is really healthy.’

I took it and she gestured for me to sit down.

‘Why’s it an office if you don’t have a desk?’ I said.

She gave a small laugh as she poured herself a cup and then sat down.

‘Because if I said I wanted to talk to you over here, then I’d feel like an idiot.’

I smiled.

‘So, what did you want to discuss?’ I said.

She took a sip of her coffee then lightly smacked her lips.

‘Your money.’ she said.

I raised my hand and shook my head to stop her.

‘No, it’s the money.’ I said. ‘I gave it to her, but she’s firm about paying me back.’

She gave a small nod.

‘It’s appreciated but I was wondering what terms might be attached.’

I smiled with surprise. It had been a long time since I had been confused by someone’s observations.

‘Nothing. Nothing that concerns you, at any rate.’ I said.

She put out her lower lip and I saw her close her eyes as she gripped her coffee cup.

‘She’s important to my dad.’ she said.

‘And to you?’ I said.

She nodded quickly.

‘My dad and I, we’re hard workers. This is our dream.’ she said.

I sat forward on the chair and looked at her carefully.

‘I want to help make that happen.’ I said.

She looked around.

‘I’m always careful when it comes to strange men bearing gifts. I’ve seen it before.’

‘Seen what, Jesse?’

She took a deep breath before she spoke.

‘It’s not my place to say but it did fuck things up for a while.’ she said.

I took a good draught of the coffee. It was rich with cinnamon, and beneath that, a hint of cocoa.

‘I don’t want to know.’ I said.

‘Jesse, whatever is or isn’t between Andrea and I will not affect her goals. Or mine.’

I looked at her as she rolled her shoulders and scratched the back of her neck.

Then, she made her decision and nodded her head as she leaned forward and raised her cup to me.

‘That’s all I needed to hear, John.’

I brought my cup forward and we clinked them together.

She sat back on her chair.

‘She’s going to win her next fight. If she eats right, gets enough sleep and keeps her pace up, then that’s a given.’

I leaned forward, rested my elbows on my knees as I held the cup up.

‘I’m sensing a but here.’

‘I don’t know if it will get her into the big leagues though.’

I looked over my shoulder, saw her throwing combinations that made her hands blur and elbows that sliced into the pad with a thump.

‘What do we need to do?’

I looked back at her.

‘Would putting her out there on social media work?’ she said.

‘Well, that depends. Do you have fight videos?’ I said.

That’s done for today. There’s never enough hours in the day for it, although the demands of a day job make you hungrier for the real work.